Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
don't judge my taste in strippers
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
