I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My vagina just recognized that song.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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