Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
