The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
