i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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