Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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