I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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