i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
