TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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