She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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