I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
