Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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