Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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