Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
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I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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