Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
