Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
