Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
