I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
