i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
