we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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