Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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