hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
