I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did you pee in the oven last night??
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
