woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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