I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
