you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
