i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
