my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
