I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.