She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..