I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
