Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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