Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
