I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
