So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
