listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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