I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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