She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
