Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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