What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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