Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
