Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
