there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
even my farts smell like vagina
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
