He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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