so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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