Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
