I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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