the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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