You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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