break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
