she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's a Shit stain on my heart
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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