She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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