tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
