got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
