So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
