The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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