Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
