Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
